U.S. satellites in outer space photograph the snowy woods in Russia. The top-secret images are printed in Washington, D.C., and placed in a briefcase handcuffed to a courier. The courier leaves The Ace Tomato, Co., a NATSEC (National Security) front operation, and takes the photos to military personnel, who decide to move forward with their covert mission, employing four operatives, two of whom will serve as decoys, and two others who are viewed as “disposable.” Elsewhere, at the Department of State, Information Officer Emmet Fitz-Hume prepares to take the “Foreign Service” exam. At the Pentagon, civilian Austin Millbarge works as a Repair Supervisor in the Code Breaking Department. His superior waits until the night before the exam to tell Austin about the Foreign Service exam. Austin, who knows how to speak Russian and has natural code-breaking abilities, has only one night to prepare. When Emmet and Austin are caught cheating on the exam, they are handpicked to be “patsies” for the covert mission. With little preparation, Emmet and Austin are thrown from an airplane, and land in the middle of a forest, where they are surrounded by a band of sword-wielding ninjas. The Head of Special Training, Colonel Rhombus, arrives, and welcomes the men to the U.S. Army Tactical Training Center. After weeks of training, Emmet and Austin are sent to Pakistan. They are dropped into a desert village in a shipping container, and surrounded by angry, gun-toting locals, but are soon greeted by their American contacts, Bud Schnelker and Rob Hodges. As they drive in Schnelker’s jeep, Austin sees Hodges's Russian wristwatch and realizes the men are KGB spies. Austin alerts Emmet, and they create a diversion and escape in the jeep as the KGB operatives shoot at them. Austin and Emmet commandeer the jeep and drive through the desert. Soon they are surrounded by Afghani freedom fighters, but Austin identifies them as American allies. However, they are taken prisoner and strung up by their feet. British medical relief worker Jerry Hadley demands their release, believing them to be doctors. Emmet and Austin pretend to be surgeons, and are taken to a tent to meet a team of international medical professionals. Austin wants to flee, but Emmet is attracted to a beautiful American, Karen Boyer, and wants to stay. Emmet is forced to perform an appendectomy on a high-ranking Afghani man, and Austin helps him fake his way through the surgery. Before they can begin, the man dies on the operating table, which incites a riot by the locals. Austin and Emmet flee in an ambulance, as bullets fly past. Elsewhere, in Nevada, members of the covert operation, Mr. Ruby and Mr. Keyes, arrive at an abandoned drive-in movie theater and are led to a secret underground military base where they are greeted by the head officers and shown the operations room. They are shocked to receive a collect telephone call from Emmet in Pakistan, who speaks about their mission over a public phone. Keyes wants to keep the men in place as a decoy from the real mission, and Ruby tells Emmet and Austin to travel to the Soviet Union where they will be met by a contact along the road. Emmet and Austin disguise themselves as Pakistanis and board a bus to cross the border. Emmet sees Jerry Hadley and Karen Boyer drive past them on the road, and meets up with Karen at a checkpoint. She refuses to speak to Emmet after his deception. Austin notices a code-breaking machine in her possession. He tells Emmet she is a spy, but he is unsure whose side she is on. Karen and Jerry mount horses and set out across the desert, and Emmet convinces Austin that they should follow. They travel on foot along a mountain ridge, encountering snow and frigid temperatures, and lose track of Karen and Jerry. When they arrive at their meeting point in the Soviet Union, they are arrested by Russian police. Austin escapes, but Emmet is taken into custody, and interrogated by Bud Schnelker and Rob Hodges. Under threat of having his fingers cut off, he makes up a reason for their mission. Meanwhile, Karen Boyer and Jerry Hadley engage in a gunfight with Russian military, and Jerry is killed. Austin hears the battle and runs from danger, but he falls down the mountainside and lands at Karen’s feet. The two secret agents realize they are working for the same side, and Karen explains that Austin and Emmet are decoys, much to Austin’s dismay. Karen suggests they work together. As Emmet is being transferred, Austin rides in on horseback and showers the Russians with gunfire. The bumbling spies make their escape, and rejoin Karen in the woods. From the mountainside, they spy a long-range rocket launcher, and Karen explains that their true mission is to take possession of the missile. Austin and Emmet are afraid, but Karen gives them tranquilizer guns to use on the small Russian missile crew. At nightfall, Emmet and Austin disguise themselves in strange costumes, posing as aliens, and approach the Russians. They are shot at, and Emmet and Austin pretend to be dead, but they soon rise and shoot their enemies with tranquilizers. Karen receives printed instructions from the U.S. military, and enters the coordinates into the rocket launcher, unaware she is engaging the missile. When the missile launches, the spies are confused. The Russians awaken, and ask what they have done, explaining that the rocket will hit the U.S. in twenty-eight minutes. Austin asserts that a counter-attack will occur within forty-five minutes and they will all be dead. Facing certain death, Emmet suggests he and Karen have sex, while Austin pairs off with a beautiful Russian. Elsewhere, the U.S. military launches an anti-defense pulse to destroy the Russian missile in outer space, but the pulse misses its target. Keyes and Ruby demand the President be alerted to the mishap before he launches a counter-attack, but the head of the mission orders his silence, thinking it best for the U.S. to exert its dominance and attack the Soviets. Meanwhile, tech-wizard Austin has an idea to divert the Russian missile, and enlists the others to help him change the rocket’s course. Using the satellite communicator, he successfully changes the missile’s direction, and it explodes in outer space. At the command center in Nevada, the members of the covert military group are arrested. Sometime later, Emmet returns to his role as Chief State Department Negotiator, and he and Austin travel to Geneva, Switzerland, to meet with the Russians and discuss disarmament. While the media waits outside, they play a friendly board game with the Russians. Emmet kisses Karen Boyer, and Austin kisses his Russian lover.