When the sex farce, Noises On, opens on Broadway, director Lloyd Fellowes cannot bring himself to watch. Certain the play will be a disaster, he recalls the regional opening, months ago, in Des Moines, Iowa: at dress rehearsal, veteran actress Dotty Otley plays “Mrs. Clackett,” the maid at an English country house. Dotty begins the show by answering a ringing phone, but rehearsal is held up when she forgets to take a plate of sardines with her off stage. Lloyd Fellowes reprimands Dotty, but actor Garry Lejeune comes to her defense. Garry argues that two weeks of rehearsals have been insufficient, especially because the play is only scheduled for one week in Des Moines, before they begin a rigorous tour across the U.S. Rehearsal resumes. The first act of the play entails Garry’s character, “Roger Tramplemain,” sneaking into a client’s country house with “Vicki,” a tax auditor with whom he is having an affair. Roger pretends to own the house, while the real owners, “Philip” and “Flavia Brent,” return home unexpectedly. Unaware that Roger and Vicki are there, Philip tells Mrs. Clackett that he and Flavia have come home in secret. For tax purposes, they are supposed to be abroad, and if they are caught in England, they could be charged with tax evasion. Confusion ensues as Roger, Vicki, Philip, and Flavia go in and out of rooms, narrowly missing each other, but leaving behind clues that there are other people there. A “burglar” adds to the confusion, especially when it is revealed that he is Vicki’s long-lost father. Selsdon Mowbray, who plays the burglar, is an alcoholic who frequently disappears and misunderstands Lloyd Fellowes’s direction. Dotty acts erratically, and actress Belinda Blair, who plays Flavia Brent, whispers to Lloyd that Dotty and Garry are dating. Lloyd is surprised, because Dotty is significantly older than Garry. Belinda also tells him that Frederick Dallas, who plays “Philip Brent,” was abandoned by his wife that morning. With this knowledge, Lloyd exercises more patience with Frederick, who frequently stops to ask for his character’s motivation. Rehearsals continue late into the night. Brooke Ashton, who plays Vicki, loses a contact lens and asks for help finding it, only to discover it is still on her eyeball. Later, she takes a cue from Frederick and asks why her character would say a certain line. Losing his temper, Lloyd shouts at Brooke. She runs away in tears, and he follows. Belinda reveals that Lloyd and Brooke have been sleeping together, causing Poppy Taylor, the assistant stage manager, to flee. Lloyd chases after Poppy, and she slaps him. Despite being a gossipmonger, Belinda admits she had no idea about Lloyd and Poppy’s relationship. The play opens to relative success in Des Moines, with later performances in Decatur, Illinois; Cairo, Missouri; and Paducah, Kentucky. In the meantime, Lloyd goes to New York City to work on a production of William Shakespeare’s Hamlet. He hears of problems in Decatur and Paducah, and finally steals away from his duties in New York to attend a matinee performance in Miami Beach, Florida. Minutes before the Miami Beach show begins, Lloyd finds the cast and crew in disarray. Dotty and Garry have had a fight, and Dotty refuses to come out of her dressing room. Brooke, who was recently diagnosed with nervous exhaustion, lies on the ground to meditate. Lloyd sends stagehand Tim Allgood to buy flowers for Brooke, but urges Tim not to let Poppy see the flowers. However, Poppy is the first to see the flowers and assumes Tim bought them for her. Meanwhile, Belinda flirts with Frederick, who reveals that he and Dotty had drinks the night before. Belinda assumes Dotty is trying to seduce Frederick, but he insists they were only commiserating over relationship problems. Belinda realizes that Garry is mad at Dotty because he assumes she and Frederick are having an affair. Lloyd discovers the mix-up with the flowers, yells at Tim, and sends him to buy another bouquet for Brooke. As the play begins, Garry attacks Frederick backstage, and continues to fight him throughout the show. Tim brings back the second bouquet of flowers, and various actors assume it is for them. Finally, Tim buys a small cactus, which Lloyd tries to give to Brooke, but she rejects it. Selsdon goes missing but reappears to find a bottle of whisky Lloyd intended to drink with Brooke. As Selsdon sneaks a drink of whisky, Garry vengefully drops a plate of sardines onto Dotty’s head. She retaliates by tying his shoelaces together, causing Garry to trip and fall the next time he walks onstage. Brooke also trips onstage after losing her contact lens. When Frederick and Lloyd try to help Dotty get a sardine out of her dress, Garry catches them in what looks like a sexual position, and shoves the cactus in Lloyd’s backside. As the play becomes more chaotic, Poppy tries to pull Lloyd aside, but he claims to be too busy. She loses her patience and, loud enough for the audience to hear, shouts that she is pregnant. At an even worse performance in Cleveland, Ohio, an exhausted Dotty spills a plate of sardines on the set. She slips in and out of character, sometimes delivering lines in an English accent and sometimes muttering to herself. When she absentmindedly carries the telephone prop offstage, leaving behind a sardine mess, the play devolves into mayhem. A doorknob falls off one of the doors, trapping Brooke backstage. Garry trips over a misplaced prop and falls down a stairwell on the set. The actors break character, wondering if he will be okay. As usual, Selsdon goes missing, but reappears just when he is needed. However, miscommunication leads to both Lloyd and Tim standing in for Selsdon. Within seconds of each other, the three burglars appear onstage, echoing each other’s lines. Back in the present, Lloyd returns to the theater just as the Broadway opening concludes. Surprised to hear uproarious laughter and applause, he goes backstage at curtain call. Belinda and Frederick take their bows and kiss passionately. Likewise, Garry surprises Brooke with a kiss, and Dotty kisses Selsdon. The cast beckons Lloyd, who comes out with the visibly pregnant Poppy, to whom he is now engaged, and everyone takes a final bow together.